In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
