I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Someone came in the potted fern
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
