You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
They took my balls.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
