how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
