you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
