Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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