i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
