Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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