Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
