I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
