life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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