bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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