my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
