I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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