would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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