Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
