Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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