I love black thongs
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i believe in u and ur pee
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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