he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
