I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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