Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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