We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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