your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We're too hungover to prance.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
