I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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