i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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