Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
