Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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