don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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