Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
