She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The uberlube is also flammable
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
