im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
