I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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