I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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