Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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