I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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