I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You did what with his pubic hair?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
