Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
