I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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