i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
