Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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