i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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