final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
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Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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