My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
