I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
