Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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