I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
