she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
