I just cut my nipple shaving
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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