Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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