So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
