Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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