booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
