I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
