o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
