you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
