haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
