Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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